ELECTRONIC HOUSE CALL - September 18, 1998

I got the following note from a past seminar attendee today. I thought you might find the question and my response to be a good reminder the next time you are in a similar situation.

THE QUESTION:
We recently began to do business with a wine salesman with whom we had not done business before. He has been very helpful, arranged tastings for staff, is knowledgeable (more so than our other salesman). He has, in short, begun to pursue us aggressively and just this week did a public wine tasting for us at which several of the people mentioned that he had done the best job of any wine tasting leader(?) they had experience with. A good contact, a good guy right?

But he has also done some stuff that I think is strange and that makes me uncomfortable. We have two main waitpeople, both men, and he seems to be courting them. Not only has he given each of them corkscrews, (which makes sense and has benefits to me, even though at least one of them was really a special one) but he also brought them champagne flutes for them to take home.

I'm uncomfortable here. This does not seem right. I'm not sure what he hopes to gain, other than their pushing his wines instead of the competition's, but somehow it seems to fall vaguely between a bribe and a kick back. I frankly am also uncomfortable by behavior that seems to go around me. I am not looking for gifts, but it seems to me that I should thank him for his help but say that if he wishes to continue doing business with us than this sort of behavior is both inappropriate and unacceptable to me.

So, am I nuts or what?

MY RESPONSE:
If you are at the point where you feel you cannot live with it, do something about it. If it's impacting on your peace of mind, you are totally within your rights to call the question . . . although you might want to approach it more with curiosity than with righteous indignation. "I've been noticing this and it puzzles me. What did you have in mind when you . . .?" Then "get stupid" and listen for an insight. Ask thoughtful questions. Be Columbo-like.

(This needs to be a face-to-face meeting, by the way, not a telephone conversation. Pick a time when neither of you have any particular time pressure to keep distractions to a minimum. Establish rapport (get comfortable with each other) before you proceed. If you can't establish rapport, you are not going to resolve anything anyway, so don't go on without it. The best way to establish rapport, by the way, is to recall together all the wonderful things that have happened in the past. When you feel a connection, you can raise your questions.)

There is always more information than you have. His actions might be totally innocent or there may be any number of other reasonable explanations. It doesn't mean you have to buy the story, but if you assume there must be a rational explanation that just escapes you at the moment, it can help keep the exchange from taking a wrong turn. Whatever he did makes sense to him. The fact that it may or may not make sense to you is not required. Don't make him wrong, just be sure that everyone is on the same page. When you assume the best, you often get it!

Remember, too, that you can be certain without being stubborn. In fact, the situation WILL be resolved, it's just that the means are as yet unknown and you are open to anything that will work. So you can listen, ask questions, be open to new ways of seeing the situation and entertain possibilities without ever losing the certainty that the issue will be handled in a way that you can live with and that it will be resolved before the meeting breaks up. In this manner, too, you keep from looking like a jerk and making the situation worse. I hope this helps.

A NOTE FROM THE DOC:
Remember to reflect and give the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions.

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